I've been keeping myself busy with A LOT OF ORG STUFF. Read: AIESEC. I'm in the Marketing department right now and it's as demanding as ever. Actually, it's the department that I least liked because it makes me feel all jittery. But hey, it's a challenge and I took it. Despite constant hell weeks, I've dedicated a fraction of my time for this. I can't believe I'm ignoring physio a bit because of this. :| I just hope it's all worth it in the end. But woohoo I (with the help of Mom) booked BPI worth 15k already! That's a start for the 800,000 target.

And btw, I'm a bit stable right now. I think this can be a start of something new (okay let's all sing now). I'm happy and I hope it lasts. I'm not being too serious about it as I'm scared to death. But I'm finally genuinely open to this. *wink wink*

On another note, check out my relationship status in facebook! Hahaha.
I love you forevahhhh Sandra! Hahaha I promise to have our lunch date next week :)

I'm annoyed.

Are you my parent? Sheesh even my parents aren't even that clingy. And ang yabang mo a. What made you think I needed or wanted your help? So kala mo pag tinulungan mo ako, I'll be indebted to you? So you think you have the authority to make excuses for me? I'm not that type of person. I commit to my responsibilities. And I won't let myself get spoiled by someone so low like you. How dare you even present that point. So you can be all concerned and shit about me? That won't work for me.

I refuse to rely on others especially you. You're not even worth relying on. And STOP pretending that we're close and that we're friends. We're not.

You do not own me. Heck, we're not even friends. You're not even worthy of my attention.
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I can't believe I made the wrong decision last week. Now that you went away, this stupid BUG is bugging me. He's so annoying and not like you, it made me miss you.

I'm dying right now. I'm cramming all the stuff that I need to cram since Sat and Sunday I'll be out. It's the AIESEC amazing race tom, and I'm a station head! Wiii. Good thing our station will be by Thomas Moore's statue so I can study physio or look for journals for Expe. And on Sunday, I'll be in Ateneo by 7 am to 7 pm for our physio production. SHIT man. Our prof doesn't have any school spirit at all. We're gonna miss the game for this huhu. The production thing will be BIG. We have 3 hours to execute everything. Our topic is sleep and we're gonna have our own Sleepsonian Museum. And I'm gonna be a statue. And Queen Amidala at that! Yeah, my Mom has this costume of Queen Amidala because BPI had this huge event before where all of the VPs dressed up in Star Wars costumes. It looks like this. Actually my Mom's dress is pretty accurate! She even has that huge clam thingy.


GAD I am so panicking right now. Our expe prof dropped deadlines on all the same day. LT #3, Experiment draft, and Lab Report #2 all on the 24th. And what's worse, the Lab Report is really like one of those serious journals that makes you fall asleep. Waaa I don't wanna :S Oh yeah, the philo paper is also due on Monday. And the guide questions will only be given on Thursday so I have no choice.

I'm also really really behind in physio. I can't understand a thing anymore. I really really need to quadruple time with this one! And our first LT wasn't exactly pleasant either. Our faci explicitly told us "Guys relax! I also failed the first one. 14 nga score ko e!" Geesh. Way to go to motivate us dude.

I also have 2 more papers due for Japarts, so there. And another huge Chinese Production for Histo. We rented a roofdeck since we're going to apply Chinese customs via Amazing Race. But now we're having problems on how to decorate such a huge venue. My groupmates are also not cooperating. Not attending meetings and making excuses. Hello who has a 22-unit load here?! If they think they're busy, what am I? And sheesh, someone making an excuse on missing out the 3 hr meeting for a consultation in english that can only last 15 minutes?!

I'm going berserk here what to do first.

WAAAAA! And I was looking forward to reading the 3 Haruki Murakami books that I successfully borrowed from the lib! I was ecstatic okay. I couldn't believe all 3 were there at the same time that I even borrowed Kafka on the Shore - a book I already have here at home! =)) I just really love the feel and smell of old books, that's all.

Anyhoo, I havta go now and go multi-task and possibly go crazy. Seeya when I seeya.

With the lack of comprehension of physio concepts regarding the complexities of the brain, I find myself at a complete loss. GAD PHYSIO.

Just awhile ago I had the most exhilarating feeling ever. Ever experienced dumping someone indirectly? BWAHAHA. Well that was well-deserved anyway.

I am back to manually painting props for school again just like in hs. Making a huge brain out of pink japanese paper can be so tedious. And yeah, I'm back to painting illustration boards with crappy textile paint and coarse 20 peso brushes. But it does feel kinda rewarding even if it means a huge backache right after.

I wonder why my blogging has diminished to a meager of about 3-5 posts per month. Unbelievable. I used to post almost every single day or at least once a week. Is it because my life has become less exciting? Or is it because there isn't much exciting things in my life to begin with and it is only now that I realize that?

I just knew it. WHY DON'T I EVER LEARN. I told myself thousands of times already. Then I went back to square one. How stupid. When I thought I was about to cross the line halfway, I just had to look back. Bad bad move.

I’m mad at myself for being so weak, so childish, so gullible. Why must these stupid hormones always take over logic? This is bull.

And now, I am back to pitying at my low self. When I was walking with my head high up, I just wasn’t ready. EVERYTHING was just a façade. As it turns out, I am no different from a an irrational 13 year old who thinks overthrowing her principles can be as easy as eating cake. It may seem like the perfect plan when the circumstances ask for it – yet it eats you up right after. Neglecting what you think you actually believe in just like that will take a toll on you. You lose trust with yourself as you yourself , break your own promises. There’s a incongruency with your so-called principles and your actions.

It’s funny how easy it is to just fall. And how hard was it to climb anyway? Isn’t that more important? All your efforts, dude. GONE just like that just because of a stupid short time pleasure.

Is it human nature to desire this? Then I wish to not be human anymore in this context. I will probably regret saying this to myself in the future but I think I really want to be a closed book already. Too much has been open and shredded. But no worries, all what is already inside will remain. I just won’t open it to anyone else anymore.
I am so disappointed at myself.

[You must want to slap me for being emo, but whatthehell I don’t care right now. I just want to rant and hopefully put myself back to logical reality]

Ugh. Again with this thing. I didn't sleep last night because of you. How pathetic of me.

Well I guess it was exhilirating to have someone think of you and kinda make you feel wanted. But of course, this is only the sugar coating of a very dangeroussss cake. Beneath that there's a lot to learn, dearie.

And I may not be ready for that.

Random ponderings can really make you go down. When all else is happy and cheery, you peak your ponderings to an absolute irrational state. And then when you thought something was really gonna happen, you plummet down.

I feel kinda stupid for not grabbing the opportunity awhile ago. It was what I wanted anyway. But NOOOOO I had to think about my ego and the far future for that matter. But I guess it will do good narin in the long run. I must not get attached okay. :(

Kamusta naman ate nagbloblog na naman ako at bwisit na bwisit na ako sa araw ko. Naramdaman mo na ba na sobrang saya mo? Na "yes finally tapos na lahat ng paghihirap ko! Worth it lahat ng frustrations at effort ko dito!"

O ayan naramdaman ko yan ate kanina. Sobrang nagtatatalon ako tsaka complete with goofy smile pa ang gaga. Ready na ako mag practicum sa BPI sa sembreak at lumipad papuntang Spain sa summer. Sayang-saya ako muntik na ata akong maihi sa sobrang galak. Ok na daw lahat. Forward ko na lang daw iyong e-mail ulit tas ipprint na lang daw. So ito naman inemail na. Tas eto nagreply. Pag-uusapan pa daw ulit. E leche kala ko ok na. Wala naman daw problema tsaka ok na daw lahat. Pero ito may palugit e. Parang sinabi lang sa akin "Ops, di pa pala sweetheart, joke lang iyong kanina. Kaw naman di ka pa mabiro"

Hindi nakakatawa maging laruan okay. Hindi talaga. Sobrang naaawa ako sa sarili ko naiiyak na ako sa inis na rin. Ang tagal tagal na nito parang inisip ko wag na lang ako pumuntang Spain e. Sobrang hassle talaga amputa. Hindi mo lang alam okay. Ilang buwan ako pabalik-balik doon para lang irapan ako at pinamukhang tanga doon. Ilang beses nag 360 degree rotation ung napaka hindi subtle na pag-irap sa akin ng secretary. Pero oks naman siya ngayong linggo, mabait naman. Nakakadyahe lang naman kasi na pinapaasa nila akong nang matagal. Hindi ba nila naisip na sa simpleng "no" nila magugunaw na mga lunggati ko sa mga susunod na taon?! Pinapatagal pa kasi. Lalo akong nahihirapan. Sana sinabi na lang sa mukha ko na hindi pwede kung sa huli hindi naman talaga sila papayag.

Napapagod na talaga ako. Itong buwan na 'to napakakupal. Ngayon ata sa buong buhay ko na nagmura ako ng napakamaraming beses sa isang buwan. Hindi na ata teenage angst tawag doon. Swak lang na nababanas na talaga ako.
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Nandidiri ako sa sarili ko na pumayag akong lumundag sa temptasyon ngayong buwan. Parang timang. Sinabi na ngang "Do not interpret" e! Nandidiri ako na may natitira pang konbensyonal na babae sa loob ko. Tipong malambot at madaling makumbinsi kahit hndi naman kinukumbinsi. Ang hina ko. Kala ko malakas ako. Isang maskara lang pala iyon. Pero ngayon, sa tingin ko naging mas malakas na ulit ako. Buti na lang at hindi tumuloy-tuloy ang temptasyon na iyon.

Kailangan ko nang umalis at mag-aral at isunispende kasi ang pasok kahapon. Dapat 2 ang LT ko kahapon at ngayon lahat napunta na next week. So ayon, papakanerd ako. Babye.